Has every step of my life really been taken blindly?
Sometimes as I go from step to step it seems like I'm getting on and off the bucket seat of the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland. It just flows one, even, steady, emotionless speed. The path has an array of aesthetic effects but the flow stays the same. You can start and never stop. The beginning is a running start and the end (if you recognize it) is a running jump. If there weren't an employee there to tell you to get off you would literally go on for ever in the same melancholy motions. on...see...hear...feel...repeat...
Every decision in my life, I haven't had to make, things just happen. High school comes and goes, friends are placed in my path, job opportunities come, applications to college are accepted, favors are asked, love is found, love is lost, money is given, money is taken, rules come and go... I always just took it as fate. They offered me the job? I have to take it, fate gave me this opportunity. I got into that school? Well, I have to go there, the fates want me there. So-and-so likes me? I have to like him back, the fates want it.... If fate didn't want these things to happen, they wouldn't have come up. RIGHT???
It's almost like I'm a horse that takes people on the same path every day all day, and today, I am boringly taking it again. Today though, I get done with one round and feel this overwhelming sense of excitement that today will be the day for my real adventure. Only to find out it's the same dang path masked in a tropical climate or a fancy outfit.
I read today that "it's better to live your destiny imperfectly than live an imitation of someone else's life perfectly."
I think that up to this point in my life I have lived an imitated life as perfect as possible and don't have any clue what MY destiny is.When I try and imagine a change in speed or a directional change that would enhance the ride, I don't know what I'd do or even if I should do anything different. I really don't know who I am. What do I love to do? What are my passions? What would make ME happy? What makes my life, MY LIFE?
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2 comments:
i dont know really know what to say about this except that i kinda feel like i'm in the same boat a lot of the time....i just kinda go with the flow but every once in a while have to stop and think if this is really where i want to be. i think about how different i am from just 5 years ago...different habits, or likes, or tastes. it's a lot of pressure, to think that every decision you make has some kind of effect on your life. do i really want to get pregnant? do i really think i can handle being a parent? do i want to go back to school or keep working as a secretary for the rest of my life? i cant help but feel like i'm wasting a lot of my time just trying to figure things out and make one tiny decision.
Maybe we just need a good adventure to put things back into prespective for us. where should we go?
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