Selfish Son of a . . .

On most all accounts, I don't consider myself selfish. (Nor Humble). But lets delve into the topic a little more. . .

self⋅ish
–Adjective
1. Devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. Characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives


self⋅less
–Adjective
Having little or no concern for oneself, esp. with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.


Looking at these two definitions, I can truly state that more than 80% of the time my motives are selfLESS. (That number would be higher but one must take into consideration sleep time is selfish {although not always, I am such a beast when I am tired that sometimes it is a favor to those around me}, shopping, movies. You know, the things that keep one sane.)

However, there is one topic in my life that I know I am selfish about and I can't help myself. . . My best friend. She lives in Canada but will occasionally visit. While she is here, I want to monopolize all of her time, making her spend time with me. Helping me with life, going on ddp runs, empathizing with me, and really anything that entails being together. It kind of sounds a little stockerish but she is my best friend and closest confidant so I have to take advantage of the few days we get together.

(Our first out-of-highschool road trip to Disney Land)

Her last trip here was no different; however, we had an excuse to actually spend more time together. We were both painstakingly working on a project that turned out just as it should have: two people consenting in their nuptial ties. This left many of her family a little begrudged by the lack of attention to them. For this, I am sorry to cause strife, however, not sorry that the time was spent with me.

(A carriage ride through central Park)

So, the fact that my heart breaks every time she goes home and I just wish she could stay here, is that selfish of me? I mean, I know she has her priorities and number one is her husband (whom I love and appreciate for freely sharing her with me on occasion) as it should be and I would never ask her to leave him and come back but if they both ever considered coming to live here together, I would be the number one supporter of that idea.

(An eventful day of findings in Hoboken New Jersey.)

However, I feel so selfish for thinking that because she needs to live her life, strengthen her roots in her new town, gain new friendships, and move on with her life. But to even think of her moving on and not including me in her future life kills me.

So, I will not increase my percentage of selflessness because I will never stop hoping that my best friend will one day live close again. But I should lose some selfish points because I would truly do ANY thing for her.